Going Soft
by redwolffclaw
Summary: *SPOILERS FOR PSYCH THE MUSICAL and SEASON 7* Tag to Psych the Musical: After the musical events surrounding the death of someone close to him, Shawn reflects on his abilities and the fear that he isn't what he used to be.


**AUTHOR'S NOTES: TONS of spoilers for the musical and up to the season 7 finale, so if you haven't seen it, I don't recommend reading this because it gives away a big spoiler.**

**What Yang said to Shawn in the musical really struck a chord with me. He practically couldn't see past the tip of his nose it seemed and she seemed genuinely disappointed and desperate to get Shawn to understand so I had to write a bit of a redeeming piece for Shawn that tied in the musical to the rest of the series.**

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**Going Soft**

_"Shawn… you disappoint me…"_

_ "If I have to spell it out for you I will!"_

_ "You're losing it Shawn!"_

Yang's words played over and over again in Shawn's mind as he paced the Psych office at 2am, well past his and Juliet's bed time.

_"You don't even know you were followed here!"_ He should have heard the desperation in Yang's voice. She' been trying to get him to understand, to _open his eyes_ and see what was going on around him, but he hadn't understood. He stood there open mouthed as she practically smacked him in the face with how much he'd missed, right before the _real_ murderer jumped from the rafters and hung him.

Shawn could still almost feel the pull of the cord as it tightened around his neck and his feet left the ground, leaving him writhing in mid-air with nothing to grab on to but the cord itself. He put his hand to his throat, feeling the sting of the bruises that had recently appeared.

For the first couple days after the case had wrapped, he could barely see anything on his neck and was able to hide it well under his shirt collars. He threatened Gus not to tell anyone about it, especially Juliet, or he'd break out the pictures of when they were teenagers and Gus was just starting his sweater vest phase. Of course, it was an empty threat because at that same time Shawn had gone through is _extremely _short, but embarrassing mullet phase, and there was no way he'd let anyone see those pictures in a million years.

After a couple days though, large black and blue marks started to form and Juliet had practically dragged him to the hospital, where he'd finally confessed to her what had really happened when Yang died. Juliet had not been happy to hear she'd been lied to. He had told her that he'd been hurt the night it happened, but there was a difference between hurt and hung twenty five feet above the floor from rafters. The doctor had told them that it was normal for deep bruising to take a while to appear. He also said that Shawn had a sprained neck and should rest for a couple days.

Shawn wasn't about to rest though. He honestly hadn't been able to since it happened. Every time he'd close his eyes, he could see Yang, dying in his arms. Then he remembered that Mary had shared the same fate. There was that ever present irony again. His life seemed chalk full of it.

When he'd first come back to Santa Barbara after years on the road, he hadn't lied. He'd been sharp as a tack. Better than he'd ever been. His skills had been tested and heightened by necessity and survival instinct. Lately however, it seemed like he'd been off his game and he started to think that Yang was right to doubt his gifts.

His pacing was interrupted suddenly by the door slamming open. It caused him to jump and wince at the pain of turning his head so fast. Gus came stomping into the office with a look of relief and anger on his face.

"Shawn! What are you doing here in the middle of the night! Juliet called, she's worried sick!"

Shawn had snuck out of the house an hour earlier. He couldn't sleep and didn't want to keep Juliet awake because she worked in the morning. "What? I left her a note! I wrote where I was going and put it right…" Shawn paused and put his hand in his pocket, pulling out the note. "…here." Hanging his head, he walked over to the couch and plopped down. So much for not waking Juliet.

He pulled out his phone and made the call to his girlfriend, "Hey, sweetie. Look, I'm sorry..."

After a bit of smooth talking things over with Juliet, Shawn hung up the phone with a sigh and stared at it.

"Dude, you never answered my question." Gus prodded, trying to snap his friend out of it, "Why are you here and not at home?"

Avoiding the real question as usual, Shawn asked one of his own. "Gus, do you think I've lost it?"

Gus blinked, obviously clueless. "It?"

Frustrated, Shawn rose and started to pace again. "IT! My groove, my ability! You know… _it_."

Narrowing his eyes, Gus asked, "Is this about Yang? You're seriously moping over a killer hurting your feelings? You've got problems."

"Well she was right!" Shawn yelled, surprising his friend. Shawn rarely ever got worked up like this. "I don't have it anymore Gus. She's dead because I screwed up! Just like Mary, and… and our poor intern Ken!"

"Uh, Shawn, we _saved_ Ken from Hashtag. He's living in San Diego. He has a girlfriend now." Gus explained. Still puzzled as to why all this was upsetting Shawn so much.

Shawn stopped and looked at Gus, "You keep in touch with him?" He asked incredulously.

Looking to the floor in embarrassment Gus explained, "He emails me once and a while."

Shawn made a dismissing gesture and flopped back on the couch again, grabbing the nearest pillow, and started pouting.

Gus sighed and sat down next to him. "Look, I can tell something is bothering you. Did you want to go get something to eat and talk about it? I think that all night Mexican place Cheech & Changas is open."

"Delicious flavor isn't going to help this time Gus." Shawn moped. "She _died_ saving me. She killed her dad to save the both of us."

"She killed her dad to save _you_. I'm not so sure she didn't save me to make me into dolls at a later date." Gus shivered at the memory.

"The point _is_ Gus, and I can't believe I'm saying this, but my dad was right. I got used to being good and it made me lazy."

Now Gus understood, Shawn was doubting his abilities. "You did good Shawn, you saved Z and talked him out of killing that dude. You didn't kill those people and you sure as hell shouldn't have to blame yourself for them either."

Tsking, Shawn turned his head away. Not killing them didn't change the fact that he could have saved them. "I just... don't know what to do. What if next time it's you or Jules that pay the price?"

"Have you talked to your dad?"

Shawn shook his head. "No. He's not talking to me after our fight over Yang." He'd been so desperate for help he'd risked going back into that house where... _IT _happened. Shawn shut his brain off before the ensuing flashback of his mom and dad in bed could mentally scar him any further.

There wasn't really anyone else he could talk to though. No one else knew his secret and if he went around admitting his visions were "less clear" it wouldn't be good for their consulting. He needed to do better. "Gus, do you think you can help me with..." He squinted and made a gesture with his hands a kin to the "I'm watching you" sign.

Flattered, Gus nodded. "Sure, I'll help."

"Oh, and will you go with me to the funeral tomorrow? Yang actually left it in her will to be cremated so we won't have to go to a cemetery or anything." Shawn knew Gus didn't like cemeteries any more than he did.

Gus shifted uncomfortably, but nodded. "Alright Shawn."

Smirking thoughtfully, Shawn remembered of all the stupid songs they'd had to sing for her. "It's too bad we didn't have some kind of recording. Watching us during the investigation would have been pre-tty entertaining."

Glad to see his friend smiling, Gus smiled too, before suddenly getting the best idea in the world. "Shawn! I know how we can help you with your memory _and_ do something totally awesome with all those songs we had to make up." Gus started pumping his fists in excitement.

Spurred by Gus' enthusiasm, Shawn put the pillow down and stood cocking his head. "What did you have in mind?"

**Four Months Later:**

As the friends walked out of the Willowbrooke Psychiatric Hospital, they were both grinning and excited over their proposed musical.

"I really think Z liked the idea." Shawn said as he descended the stairs and shifted the urn in his arms carefully. Lord knows they had some bad luck with urns and ashes lately, and Shawn didn't want Yang to go tumbling down said stairs like some kind of morbid slinky.

"The book was a nice touch." Gus nodded in agreement.

"Wasn't it though?" Shawn looked around for the doctor's car. He knew waiting so long to complete a last request was not quite proper, but he'd wanted to keep Yang around long enough for them to get the musical written. Besides, they had to come to the nut hut to meet with Z anyway and Shawn figured why waste a trip.

The parking lot was small so it was easy to figure out which car belonged to the doctor by process of profiling elimination. The guy seemed pompous enough to drive an Audi, so it fit.

"Are you sure we should be doing this?" Gus asked nervously, keeping look out while Shawn spread the ashes in the Doctor's back seat.

"The will specifically said what Yang wanted. Who am I to question last requests?" He finished pouring and checked out the handy work. It was a good rendition of the yin/yang symbol if he did say so himself.

Abandoning his look out, Gus checked out Shawn's work. "The doctor is going to have a coronary when he sees that."

Shawn smiled nostalgically. "Yeah."

"Okay, you're done. Let's get out of here." Gus looked around nervously and headed off towards the Blueberry.

Sighing, Shawn hefted the urn into the crook of his arm and closed the door on the car. He thought about the musical they'd written. The last few months had been super stressful, with Juliet finding out about his secret and Trout firing them, but in between crisisees...crises?... they'd managed to put together a not-half-bad production plan. The duet between Yang and Mary had actually been Gus' idea. It was fitting and a great farewell to both very odd ducks.

A couple walking by caught his eye, she was holding his hand tightly, but his was a bit slack and he was eyeing one of the nurses walking out of the hospital behind them. It had taken a bit of practice, and complaining, and food, but Shawn could say he was back in the game observation wise. He certainly wasn't going to let another killer sneak up on him without him noticing.

"Shawn!" Gus' voice right next to his ear made him jump a mile. "Let's go before someone catches us. This is _illegal_."

"Gus, don't be the retractable leash pulling a pulling a two pound Chihuahua. I'm coming." With that, both men quickly scurried to their vehicle.

Gus had to convince Shawn it wouldn't be a good idea to stick around to see the doctor's reaction but the newspaper the next day was any indication, it was pretty epic.

"_Yin/Yang killer- Dead or Alive? Doctor taken into protective custody."_

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**END NOTES: I tried to give a bit of timeline between the events of the musical and the rest of the series. Steve Franks said the musical happened before Deez Nups, and I figured it took a while to get the book and musical written... so the Z scene must have happened post Trout. So that's how the musical fits in with the time line. **

**Plus with Trout the guys would have a bit more time on their hands since they weren't working for the SBPD for a bit.**


End file.
